St. Stephen's Musings

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:: Friday, May 14, 2004 ::

Rules for Naming a Boy

I hope our baby is a girl.

Then I won't have to deal with all of my rules for naming a boy:

1) No androgynous names. Seriously, can you think of a worse thing to do to your newborn son? Neither can I.

2) No name ending in "y". When was the last time you met a Marty or Monty who wasn't a shady character? Well, ok maybe once...

3) No name that has a "th" in it because it sounds idiotic with our last name. If you doubt me, say "Thadius Thienes" out loud 10 times.

4) I refuse to follow the Protestant fad of naming boys after obscure OT prophets. I can't explain why--I just can't do it.

5) No name that can easily be shortened into a "cute" nickname. Richard=Dick, Charles=Chuckie...need I say more? If you don't see the implicit child abuse here, you need help.

6) No names of ex-boyfriends, bad teachers, abusive coaches, or jerky guys that either my wife or I have known. This rule eliminates a stunning number of names...unsuprisingly.

7) No trendy names like Tristan, Tyler or Colby. Luckily this isn't a problem for us because no one with a name like this has ever, or will ever, become a saint.

8) No name with more than 4 syllables. I love Elder Amphilochios et al., but I need to be able to pronounce and spell my own son's name without breaking into a cold sweat.

:: Karl :: 6:42:00 AM [Link] ::

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